Why I am am an accidental liar

I find out fast that I don't know much about myself.

I say I love learning new languages, combined with traveling, and experiencing new cultures; I've said it for years. I even went as far as to say these are 3 of the 5 things I love in life (the other 2 are in that column on the right side of this page). They are self-proclaimed to be the staple of my life.

It seems I am a self-proclaimed liar.

I didn't mean to.
I didn't realize all along I was lying. How disheartening, how defeating. I realized today that I in fact despise the act itself of learning a new language.
I like knowing them, but not learning. Not speaking with others to learn. Isn't that sad? A founding tenant of my travels over here, crumbled in a day. I was in a German store and realized if anyone asked me but the simplest question, I could not answer, instead I would have to point like a 4 year old to something if I wanted to get across any message in the least. But so it seems that my accidental-liarhood has brought me to the truth; it's that learning a new language is the most frustrating, defeating, embarrassing, and morally and mentally exhausting undertaking I have ever tried. Plus its embarrassing. And I know I already said that. I needed to say it again.
But you need to know your faults before you can overcome them. Now, let's get back to it:
Spanish.
Arabic.
 Now I expect myself to try German and continue to be the jack of all trades, while being a master of none?

So, what am I going to do?

First, I need to realize that, as with everything that I try, I mess up at first. Ever heard of the saying "fall 7 times, get up 8?" Well, mine number in the hundreds.

I'm not going to give up though- I never have. But its tough. I keep crawling back to God (as it should be, I believe). But its difficult to come to terms with the embarrassment of what I have discovered. It's a rather odd feeling, actually. I have more fingers on my body than times I can count when I have been embarrassed in my life. I found out why; everything in my life that I've done, it was always easy. I was almost always naturally gifted. Most of the things I am referring to are sports; from baseball, to basketball, to football - winning season after championship after end-of-season honors after captainship and everything in between- it all came easy. And it dominated my life. Winning and success and relative ease of it all. But now I have come face to face with something I struggle with, and it bothers me to my core.

I've never had to struggle to be anything better than terrible. 


Notes to self:
On top of that, it continues to be difficult not knowing where to go in life. I got super frustrated today. To the point where I needed to exhale. Then lean back. Then close my eyes. 
(And realize the only way to continue was to take one step at a time)
Then pray.
Then become angry.
Then pray.
Take another deep breath.
Let out the previous deep breath.
Repeat deep breath.
Repeat let out deep breath.
Continue to picture the scenario: myself falling out of bounds on a basketball court after trying to save a loose ball. It was the Nth number of time I had fallen down. And I picture myself slowly getting up. And I slowly get up. Getting up. Slowly. My head rises up. I'm up.
So - I try again.

I was wrong about my initial view of Sept 11

Let me tell you why I changed my view toward what I wrote on September 11:

"It was very sad not being in the United States for 9/11. I wanted to go to candle light vigils, wear my Red White and Blue, shout to the world that I love my country, and wave the stars and stripes far more than anyone would think is necessary. I am so fortunate Ill never forget my real home, my pride, and the country I would do anything for, and am so thankful that others have sacrificed so that I can be safe and feel free."




This is why:

It's a video I made entitled "9/11 Patriotism at a U.S. Army Base abroad - my view"

I win Worlds Sexiest Man competition on cruise

I hardly know what to write. Ladies and Gentlemen - I am the new World's Sexiest Man.

 I have been professing it for years in girls' cell phones - but who knew it would ever become in official title? Lo and behold, I have fulfilled every wish Nicole Sermabeikian ever had for my life; I officially became the Worlds Sexiest Man last week:

after I won.

me with the Runner Up

The competition was on my Royal Caribbean cruise boat last week.

How I won:

I qualified with winning the contest "best Booty Shaker." There were 8 of us. Before that shakin', we had to perform a 30 second routine or so and impress the four female judges. Mine was a poor showing - I was the first and unprepared. But during the next round - Booty Shaking, my ass came alive. It bounced and jiggled the way only black girls butts can do. It was on fire. All eyes were on those two cheeks, that only if everyone had x-ray vision would they have automatically declared me winner after seeing the tattoo. Surprisingly, I only got hammered on one night - and was too busy to show it off. I rarely do - its a treat.

Anyway - by crowd cheer- I won. I dont know how I beat the italian - but I did. They gave me a towel, a nice medal, a t shirt, and a hat.

how I got Into the Finals (that sign says best booty shaker)

Me in action. I just took the advice my football coaches and lil' john always gave me: get low

Recap overall:

I "made close friends" with an italian girl (I simply had to), fell in love with a spanish girl, hung out with three Germans and a South African guy named Oros, and his twin brother MK, and danced my soul to the high heavens every night in the Dragons Lair night club where we dance battled hip hop and pop lock every night. The black girls (actually, they were old women) loved me and I loved them. I was workin' it. I came home every night btw 3 and 5, got up at 8, and explored our destinations. I learned some italian, learned a lot about myself that I will write in the notes of this post so I dont bore you, and looked out at the glorious water like a kid looks at a candy shop. No - make that ten candy shops. The sea was my Sour Patch Kids, and my eyes endlessly gobbled them up. The best part was - there was always more. My love for maritime explorations only grows.This is what I saw every night at dinner:

My two favorite places were Barcelona, Spain and Ajaccio, Corsica (the country thats an island in the middle of the Med Sea.) 

beach at Corsica. this was my view as I was alone, kicking back and reading Life of Pi (thanks priyanca)

When I first got on the ship, it was almost overwhelming - so many people to meet its almost stressing. Then I just realzied that everywhere I go Ill just do my part - and it was awesome. So many Italian speaking ppl tho, I wish there was an italian class (so I had to find an italian girl). 

(..Done).

I came away knowing so many people. In fact, people were so baffled that I knew how to dance this one guy was like "If there was ONE PERSON I would have picked in the entire world that I would not suspect knew how to dance, it would be you!" Him and his crew of 10 subsequently became my biggest cheering fans, shouting my name every moment they saw me on the cruise ship. Actually, black people were so baffled I could dance many of them told me "I have SO many pictures of you on my camera!!" Im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing, but I usually take things in stride.
Thanks, Id say.

I'll leave you with a picture of my crew:

It was fun, but you dont have to go on a cruise to be happy and have fun. The point is, no matter where I go...

... I'm living life.  Are you?

Europe:My new home; An intimate view of my life

--I would always rather take a risk than not--

What that means is that a lot of things are going to change. My status on FB the other day tells it all:
"Im gonna have to make new friends in a new place, get a new job, learn a new language, travel to new countries, and be comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. It'll be a fresh perspective of life - because after all, who wants to sit back and be like everybody else?"


Sounds pretty sweet, doesn't it? Well, from the outside it does sound pretty good. The fact is, when you get inside - its scary as hell. Back in the US, I would be what everyone else would call "living the life" - endless parties, so many different friends to chill w, free place to stay, girls to date, whatever. But like I said, I'm just not the kind of person that's content without seeing what else is out there in the world. It's also kind of funny that I'm starting to realize that not knowing what your future holds is pretty much a test of character, or strength, or whatever you want to call it. Who knows, maybe I'm overplaying it. I think it's just that when you go and do new things in unfamiliar territory, you go on a rollercoaster.

Its scary running blind, but I can guarantee you I'm not going to stop running.
Have you ever heard of what they call a pack of rhinos? They call it a Crash. A group of rhinos can not see very far ahead of them, but they charge ahead anyway. They aren't fearful, and they are pretty strong, too. When they commit to something, they sure don't go half speed either. Neither will I. Im not going to let my fears of not knowing whats next get in the way of living life. Here are some pictures of one of the most beautiful places I will ever go to. Neuscwanstein Castle.

Mom and I drove to Munich and we've been there for 3 days. We drove to the Castle and it was breathtaking. It wasn't real. Here is what I wrote just as I arrived and walked up the mountain to the castle:
"Im really overwhelmed being here. Everything is perfect. Even the weather. Just pretend like you are walking around and through a grand Disney castle, along hte cobblestone walkways through the forest to it, happy people all around speaking in languages Ive never even heard, and seeing the grand castle itself built with 1800's architecture perched 3,000 feet above ground on the peak of a mountain. You can see the horizon if you look around, mostly rolling hills with trees interspersed, and little villages here and there with two big lakes, so far below you. And theres a breeze. and its a little bit cool. To be honest, it adds a lot to the feel of the area when you have little kids around laughing and playing and you can see that they really do believe that they are right next to Cindarella's castle."

Inside of them was grand. Everything was original - even furniture and paintings.

View from inside the castle. This is what Ludwig II saw when he looked out his terrace that we walked out on.

Do you see me in both of the above pictures? Im there. After, we walked down the mountain for about an hour and a half along waterfalls and streams. It was beautiful.

One of the two giant lakes was pretty close to the castle once you walked down. Here we found some swans in the water. They literally walked right up to me.

Another picture from the lake.

Would you believe that later that night I felt really unhappy, unfulfilled, and stressed?
What??
yeah... because to be honest, even thought I'm on vacation and doing amazing things. Here's what happens after you get to the top of the rollercoaster; you come down. But this time I cant see where Im going or how long it will last. It's scary. Knowing I'm living in Europe now, well - it just doesn't feel much like a home. Home is a place you come to relax, and where you know somebody. But the thing is... I dont know anybody. Its not relaxing. I dont even know how to speak to people here. Do you know how crippling it feels for someone who depends on social situations for just about their lifeblood, and to not have that? It's always where I have gotten my energy from. Yet it seems like I dont have it here in some ways. What helps me is encouragement - when I hear one of you say to me "thats so great you're going out and doing that" or "youre going to love living life there!" or better than anything else in the world - when someone else says they believe in me.

Because believe it or not, I get 100% of my motivation from outside of myself in situations Im scared or feel uncomfortable about - like what I am facing in life right now.


Im not DEPRESSED... but, you know...

Sounds crazy, doesnt it? I admit, I do love life, and get the most out of it. But its tough when everything on the outside seems like its going to be perfect - traveling; learning new languages. New place to live; new people to meet. New jobs awaiting; new opportunities for the future.
Do you know what the flip side of that is?
Being unsure of everything. Traveling but feeling kind of like youre not sure you have a real home, not knowing how to speak the local language at all. Needing to work to make new friends, applying for new positions. Overall, not knowing what will happen or when.

Im really praying to God, bc I feel lost and dont know where to go (and I prefer to share this with you because feel comfortable sharing details about my life with my friends; people I love - because I should.)
I know it'll turn around - I really do believe that, and itll probably happen very quickly - and wonder why I was ever freaking out in the first place. Hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about when you read this quote:
"Its always impossible until you accomplish it."

Moreover, I have other things looming over me. I sometimes dont even like the idea of getting older (I'm 23 now), or not knowing where Ill work or how I'll pay my loans, or who I'll marry (do I sound like a female or what?) For being such a social being, funny that my number one fear is being alone (oh, and also swimming sometimes when you cant see whats below you - damn sharks and jellyfish! but that's kind of an aside).

So, basically, when I am overwhelmed, as you will see many of my posts, I end my posts the only way I know how to end my day; I hand it over to God, because thats the only way I know that I wont fall when I start to stumble.

This was my prayer last night - God, dont leave me. I need you. Take me, guide me, and let me trust you.

It'll work out. Inshallah - God willing.

"You can rub lotion on one of the girls" um, YES.

Oh, he said it.

I go to walk in to what I think are the front doors and a giant black man is like what are you doing? Then the 2 girls we cam to support are like "Hey Tom!" and they are wearing something like these pictures I took:

I only ever met them once, so I barely even recognized them. And they all had such sparkly bikinis and fit bodies. Nevertheless, I'd say my eyes did a respectable job. The bouncer came up and was like "sorry, but the tickets here are sold out. this is the backstage area for the girls." I was like damnit...
Then he goes "Or you can rub lotion on one of the girls and you could stay, so then youd be helping out."

WHAT DID HE JUST SAY

The exact term he just said to me was "be a rubber for one of them" so I was a bit confused for a second. Then I realized what he meant when Delissa, one of the two girls we went to support, was like "yea, I dont have a plus one, he can be mine." in my mind all I can think of is (1) I am living the life that Harry and Lloyd never got the chance to in Dumb and Dumber, (2) This will surely fulfill more than my every dream and more than what I expected before I came, and (3).... shit... I forgot that I came with my mom. How can I leave my mom outside. I decide that she can wait a bit.

Well, turns out that it paid off to befriend Sledge (the bouncer). He was my boy, and in fact my mom had seen me enter thru the side doors, so my mom walked up, Sledge said "are u looking for your son" and directed her to me after I told sledge my story after he offered one of the girls to get rubbed down by me. But Delissa is like "my trainer can lead u guys to the audience so u can watch for free"

In my mind Im like Sooooooo... no lathering? not of her in particular, but anyone. No. My hopes had gone through the roof. How silly of me. I fell for it. Delissa was simply being nice in the beginning by saying I could be her Rubber just so that I could get in. She didnt really mean it. She didnt need me. I was betrayed. Hopes shattered. So I decided to say in a little bit of a loud but kidding voice but not really kidding "So, does anyone need someone to put any lotion on? Heh, heh, heh...." No one laughed and no one took me up on it.

So we walk in, and the competition was sweet. The girls did awesome, but we left right after. Unfortunately every woman there was married ,so I wasnt upset when my mom was like lets go.

We went into the city, got dinner together and enjoyed a huge wine festival going on, had a glass, then came home. On the way home, I decided once and for all I am staying in Europe and not coming home until december, and will probably return to europe and stay through june after a brief visit home for x-mas.

Life is coming together? What? Hm, maybe. Cool

I want a large woman

I dont know what the fuck to post about. Where I am in Germany is boring as hell compared to Amsterdam. I rode a damn bike today. And please excuse my french (because we all know everything shitty comes from the french).

See you bitches after I go to a body building competition for females tomorrow where I'm gonna try to pick up one of them up. No more attracting shemale whores for me; Ive moved up the ladder to large jacked women with more testosterone than myself - I want one.

Ill leave you with a picture of where I read a book today amidst my bike ride - sorry, I tried to make every sentence in this post have a curse word in it but couldnt think of an appropriate one for this sentence. And already my soul feels dark. Poor experiment - lesson learned.

Sincerely - Your biggest impostor asshole - Tom (see how I found another spot for one here?) wooo ok im all cursed out for the next decade. i think the F word makes me feel filthy. i should probably go pray for forgiveness for all that shit.

p.s. today I also did a lot of thinking about my future and emailing people, and calling for advice and getting some good responses. ill post about that later but Im gonna get to bed. Tonight I just needed to give you guys the important stuff first (mainly the large jacked women part).

yep.

My next step in life: a soldier

Try to read to the bottom of this one; I tie it all together.

So you are expecting another ridiculous tale like the soon-to-be legend of the famous penis grabbing man-whore from the red light district, arent you? well, you are just selfish. Havent you ever seen wedding crashers? Not the whole movie is crashing - just parts. My last day in amsterdam was like the part when Owen Wilson found the girl he loved and went bike riding with her and playing games and such (good allusion jay). So thats exactly what I did. Except for the fact that you can simply replace a young beautiful girl Im in love with whos my age whom I am bike riding and laughing and joking with - with my mom.

I probably just lost a lot of viewers between the end of that paragraph and the beginning of this one. Well, those sandbaggin sons of bitches dont know what they are missing. Because I found out some amazing information today. Chief among them is the incredibly pertinent and utterly relevant information for all of us in life (who like to drink alcohol). I have officially found historic evidence that "icing" someone existed all the way back to the 16th century! Isnt that amazing??? Well I think so. While on our first event of the day, visiting the Rijsmuken museum in Amsterdam, I was really on my toes. First of all, I really started to appreciate art lately. Particularly the famous painters throughout history. Im a big believer that if you want to get a well rounded view in life, you have to seek out the best of what is in every field. As for art - ever since last year at the Louvre, I started to appreciate great art. So our time at the Rijsmuken was no different. Back to "icing," (if you dont know what that is, go home) I was reading up on Prince William of Orange (a famous enemy of King Lious XIV, if you remember him from your history books), it has one of his many paintings portraying various scenes from the Prince's war with France, and this one particular painting of a of celebratory nature. In fact, so celebratory, that Prince of Orange iced one of his fellow comrades. I am convinced that in that day, they did not have the resources to produce bottles for individual beers, so they filled said brew a satchel -a modern marvel in their day (see photo below).Above all, Josh kelly will appreciate this most (william of england, combined with icing, combined with satchels).

Some dude getting "Iced"in the 1600's. See above for explanation, those of who you skipped down to the pictures. 

Ok, on to other events. We then decided to ride bikes in a beautiful park. Nothing exceptional happened there. You know, just the typical stroll. But heres a picture so that you continue reading. (I assume you are all like children and I have to post pictures every so often to keep you interested. Actually wait... maybe thats usually just me. Either way, I think you will enjoy the pictures.)

the park we rode through

my beautiful mother(above) and I (below)

For all the pics in Amsterdam - see my facebook

Read this: We then went to the house of Anne Frank - where her family hid our during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands. For two years she hid out up  in the attic, writing her diary the whole time of her life aspirations, her struggles. Her family's location was leaked by an unknown source, and since that time the world has been inspired by her life; mostly by the ironic fact that she never even got to live life. Eventually, she died at the Berger-Belsen concentration camp two weeks before it was liberated. This gave me a renewed sense of what I have. Ill get back to this later in this entry.

The next day, Dawn and I went to the most beautiful place I have been yet in The Netherlands. I thought it would be pretty lame, my mom said we were going to "see some windmills." I had no idea what this meant, and it was pouring rain, but unbeknownst to my mental well-being, it turned out to be probably the coolest part of our trip (It brought up my disparaged mental state, post male-fondling incident). Also, that was the first time Ive ever used disparaged in a sentance. Now I am really starting to feel good about myself.

So we went to this cute little town, and the pictures will speak for themselves of how awesome and relaxing this place was.

myself, atop the windmills

in the Town O' Windmills, aka Zaanse Schans

again - more of the pics of our whole trip on Facebook

In the train station before leaving, my mom said "Do you want to get some Burger King before we go home?" Clearly, we only would have eaten this if we were in a rush. I said no, but it still reminded me of the fact that I could imagine mrittika asking me this if we were vacationing, regardless of  being in a rush or no rush. Then, I started to think of those BK commercials where the BK king is running in with touchdowns. Know what im saying? Probably not, but if so, I enjoyed those commercials. I dont know the significance of mentioning that is, but it was one of those small anecdotes I had to tell you, because it made me laugh. Additionally,  it was not enough to cause me to get BK. But it almost made me get BK. But it didnt. So, we left.

What is all comes down to:

A PROFOUND DEVELOPMENT happened as we were driving home. I asked mom: "hey mom, why am I going home in a few weeks?" Her answer was "I dont know." As a result, I have decided to stay in Europe. That is, assuming a find a job. I do miss home, and I hate not speaking a lick of this damn German language that is even uglier than the women in this country (thats hard to believe), but I will have to tough it out and be a man. Ah, back to more of my startling development; this concerns more of my future. As a few of you know, my mom works for the US Army as a civilian nurse. I have to start thinking about how to pay back my loans, and she offered up the idea of going into the military. Certain branches offer not only a good paycheck, but loan repayment too. I asked her if there were any recruiters on base I could talk to, and she said certainly. If I think about it, I could serve my country, pay back my loans, save a lot of money, have excellent credentials on my resume, and get invaluable international experience. So, theres another option to consider, to add to the plethora of other ideas that I have no idea what the hell to do with.

When we got home 5 hours later...
Whenever I dont know what to do in life - I just pray. I dont know all the answers, but all I do know is that praying is the best thing I can do. I dont even know if it will give me all the answers, but I do know its better than trying to do things myself. I simply dont know where to go in life, but I do know that going on my knees is a hell of a lot better than fetching what I think will make my happy. So I pray.

I prayed to be refined.
I kind of imagine him tinkering with what makes me tick inside. Like, I am being built to go up against anything. Its true. In no other way can I be ready for whatever battles are in front of me. Its not the battles of war, nor is it the art of war that I need to be built for, but it is, in a way, that you are always on the front lines of your own war. Youre kind of like a soldier. Im reading a book right now called Armor, its about a man and his inner battle as bes getting ready for war. If you arent being built up and refined, and have someone at your back guiding you, and backup all around you, then you wont succeed.(I bet you never knew about Tom Ford the Metaphor Man). I want to be a soldier. And Im not talking about a soldier in real life - who knows about that. Im talking about the kind of soldier that you believe yourself to be, that you are refined enough to be ready for whatever life has for you. I dont know what lies ahead, or where Ill be - but I do know Ill be ready, and I do know I will get the most out of life - and appreciate it every second;  always have. its what makes me, me. I do that because I have many of the joys in life that some have never experienced, or never will get the chance to.

"I long to ride a bike, dance, whistle, and know that I am free."
Anne Frank, December 24, 1943.