Europe:My new home; An intimate view of my life

--I would always rather take a risk than not--

What that means is that a lot of things are going to change. My status on FB the other day tells it all:
"Im gonna have to make new friends in a new place, get a new job, learn a new language, travel to new countries, and be comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. It'll be a fresh perspective of life - because after all, who wants to sit back and be like everybody else?"


Sounds pretty sweet, doesn't it? Well, from the outside it does sound pretty good. The fact is, when you get inside - its scary as hell. Back in the US, I would be what everyone else would call "living the life" - endless parties, so many different friends to chill w, free place to stay, girls to date, whatever. But like I said, I'm just not the kind of person that's content without seeing what else is out there in the world. It's also kind of funny that I'm starting to realize that not knowing what your future holds is pretty much a test of character, or strength, or whatever you want to call it. Who knows, maybe I'm overplaying it. I think it's just that when you go and do new things in unfamiliar territory, you go on a rollercoaster.

Its scary running blind, but I can guarantee you I'm not going to stop running.
Have you ever heard of what they call a pack of rhinos? They call it a Crash. A group of rhinos can not see very far ahead of them, but they charge ahead anyway. They aren't fearful, and they are pretty strong, too. When they commit to something, they sure don't go half speed either. Neither will I. Im not going to let my fears of not knowing whats next get in the way of living life. Here are some pictures of one of the most beautiful places I will ever go to. Neuscwanstein Castle.

Mom and I drove to Munich and we've been there for 3 days. We drove to the Castle and it was breathtaking. It wasn't real. Here is what I wrote just as I arrived and walked up the mountain to the castle:
"Im really overwhelmed being here. Everything is perfect. Even the weather. Just pretend like you are walking around and through a grand Disney castle, along hte cobblestone walkways through the forest to it, happy people all around speaking in languages Ive never even heard, and seeing the grand castle itself built with 1800's architecture perched 3,000 feet above ground on the peak of a mountain. You can see the horizon if you look around, mostly rolling hills with trees interspersed, and little villages here and there with two big lakes, so far below you. And theres a breeze. and its a little bit cool. To be honest, it adds a lot to the feel of the area when you have little kids around laughing and playing and you can see that they really do believe that they are right next to Cindarella's castle."

Inside of them was grand. Everything was original - even furniture and paintings.

View from inside the castle. This is what Ludwig II saw when he looked out his terrace that we walked out on.

Do you see me in both of the above pictures? Im there. After, we walked down the mountain for about an hour and a half along waterfalls and streams. It was beautiful.

One of the two giant lakes was pretty close to the castle once you walked down. Here we found some swans in the water. They literally walked right up to me.

Another picture from the lake.

Would you believe that later that night I felt really unhappy, unfulfilled, and stressed?
What??
yeah... because to be honest, even thought I'm on vacation and doing amazing things. Here's what happens after you get to the top of the rollercoaster; you come down. But this time I cant see where Im going or how long it will last. It's scary. Knowing I'm living in Europe now, well - it just doesn't feel much like a home. Home is a place you come to relax, and where you know somebody. But the thing is... I dont know anybody. Its not relaxing. I dont even know how to speak to people here. Do you know how crippling it feels for someone who depends on social situations for just about their lifeblood, and to not have that? It's always where I have gotten my energy from. Yet it seems like I dont have it here in some ways. What helps me is encouragement - when I hear one of you say to me "thats so great you're going out and doing that" or "youre going to love living life there!" or better than anything else in the world - when someone else says they believe in me.

Because believe it or not, I get 100% of my motivation from outside of myself in situations Im scared or feel uncomfortable about - like what I am facing in life right now.


Im not DEPRESSED... but, you know...

Sounds crazy, doesnt it? I admit, I do love life, and get the most out of it. But its tough when everything on the outside seems like its going to be perfect - traveling; learning new languages. New place to live; new people to meet. New jobs awaiting; new opportunities for the future.
Do you know what the flip side of that is?
Being unsure of everything. Traveling but feeling kind of like youre not sure you have a real home, not knowing how to speak the local language at all. Needing to work to make new friends, applying for new positions. Overall, not knowing what will happen or when.

Im really praying to God, bc I feel lost and dont know where to go (and I prefer to share this with you because feel comfortable sharing details about my life with my friends; people I love - because I should.)
I know it'll turn around - I really do believe that, and itll probably happen very quickly - and wonder why I was ever freaking out in the first place. Hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about when you read this quote:
"Its always impossible until you accomplish it."

Moreover, I have other things looming over me. I sometimes dont even like the idea of getting older (I'm 23 now), or not knowing where Ill work or how I'll pay my loans, or who I'll marry (do I sound like a female or what?) For being such a social being, funny that my number one fear is being alone (oh, and also swimming sometimes when you cant see whats below you - damn sharks and jellyfish! but that's kind of an aside).

So, basically, when I am overwhelmed, as you will see many of my posts, I end my posts the only way I know how to end my day; I hand it over to God, because thats the only way I know that I wont fall when I start to stumble.

This was my prayer last night - God, dont leave me. I need you. Take me, guide me, and let me trust you.

It'll work out. Inshallah - God willing.

"You can rub lotion on one of the girls" um, YES.

Oh, he said it.

I go to walk in to what I think are the front doors and a giant black man is like what are you doing? Then the 2 girls we cam to support are like "Hey Tom!" and they are wearing something like these pictures I took:

I only ever met them once, so I barely even recognized them. And they all had such sparkly bikinis and fit bodies. Nevertheless, I'd say my eyes did a respectable job. The bouncer came up and was like "sorry, but the tickets here are sold out. this is the backstage area for the girls." I was like damnit...
Then he goes "Or you can rub lotion on one of the girls and you could stay, so then youd be helping out."

WHAT DID HE JUST SAY

The exact term he just said to me was "be a rubber for one of them" so I was a bit confused for a second. Then I realized what he meant when Delissa, one of the two girls we went to support, was like "yea, I dont have a plus one, he can be mine." in my mind all I can think of is (1) I am living the life that Harry and Lloyd never got the chance to in Dumb and Dumber, (2) This will surely fulfill more than my every dream and more than what I expected before I came, and (3).... shit... I forgot that I came with my mom. How can I leave my mom outside. I decide that she can wait a bit.

Well, turns out that it paid off to befriend Sledge (the bouncer). He was my boy, and in fact my mom had seen me enter thru the side doors, so my mom walked up, Sledge said "are u looking for your son" and directed her to me after I told sledge my story after he offered one of the girls to get rubbed down by me. But Delissa is like "my trainer can lead u guys to the audience so u can watch for free"

In my mind Im like Sooooooo... no lathering? not of her in particular, but anyone. No. My hopes had gone through the roof. How silly of me. I fell for it. Delissa was simply being nice in the beginning by saying I could be her Rubber just so that I could get in. She didnt really mean it. She didnt need me. I was betrayed. Hopes shattered. So I decided to say in a little bit of a loud but kidding voice but not really kidding "So, does anyone need someone to put any lotion on? Heh, heh, heh...." No one laughed and no one took me up on it.

So we walk in, and the competition was sweet. The girls did awesome, but we left right after. Unfortunately every woman there was married ,so I wasnt upset when my mom was like lets go.

We went into the city, got dinner together and enjoyed a huge wine festival going on, had a glass, then came home. On the way home, I decided once and for all I am staying in Europe and not coming home until december, and will probably return to europe and stay through june after a brief visit home for x-mas.

Life is coming together? What? Hm, maybe. Cool

I want a large woman

I dont know what the fuck to post about. Where I am in Germany is boring as hell compared to Amsterdam. I rode a damn bike today. And please excuse my french (because we all know everything shitty comes from the french).

See you bitches after I go to a body building competition for females tomorrow where I'm gonna try to pick up one of them up. No more attracting shemale whores for me; Ive moved up the ladder to large jacked women with more testosterone than myself - I want one.

Ill leave you with a picture of where I read a book today amidst my bike ride - sorry, I tried to make every sentence in this post have a curse word in it but couldnt think of an appropriate one for this sentence. And already my soul feels dark. Poor experiment - lesson learned.

Sincerely - Your biggest impostor asshole - Tom (see how I found another spot for one here?) wooo ok im all cursed out for the next decade. i think the F word makes me feel filthy. i should probably go pray for forgiveness for all that shit.

p.s. today I also did a lot of thinking about my future and emailing people, and calling for advice and getting some good responses. ill post about that later but Im gonna get to bed. Tonight I just needed to give you guys the important stuff first (mainly the large jacked women part).

yep.

My next step in life: a soldier

Try to read to the bottom of this one; I tie it all together.

So you are expecting another ridiculous tale like the soon-to-be legend of the famous penis grabbing man-whore from the red light district, arent you? well, you are just selfish. Havent you ever seen wedding crashers? Not the whole movie is crashing - just parts. My last day in amsterdam was like the part when Owen Wilson found the girl he loved and went bike riding with her and playing games and such (good allusion jay). So thats exactly what I did. Except for the fact that you can simply replace a young beautiful girl Im in love with whos my age whom I am bike riding and laughing and joking with - with my mom.

I probably just lost a lot of viewers between the end of that paragraph and the beginning of this one. Well, those sandbaggin sons of bitches dont know what they are missing. Because I found out some amazing information today. Chief among them is the incredibly pertinent and utterly relevant information for all of us in life (who like to drink alcohol). I have officially found historic evidence that "icing" someone existed all the way back to the 16th century! Isnt that amazing??? Well I think so. While on our first event of the day, visiting the Rijsmuken museum in Amsterdam, I was really on my toes. First of all, I really started to appreciate art lately. Particularly the famous painters throughout history. Im a big believer that if you want to get a well rounded view in life, you have to seek out the best of what is in every field. As for art - ever since last year at the Louvre, I started to appreciate great art. So our time at the Rijsmuken was no different. Back to "icing," (if you dont know what that is, go home) I was reading up on Prince William of Orange (a famous enemy of King Lious XIV, if you remember him from your history books), it has one of his many paintings portraying various scenes from the Prince's war with France, and this one particular painting of a of celebratory nature. In fact, so celebratory, that Prince of Orange iced one of his fellow comrades. I am convinced that in that day, they did not have the resources to produce bottles for individual beers, so they filled said brew a satchel -a modern marvel in their day (see photo below).Above all, Josh kelly will appreciate this most (william of england, combined with icing, combined with satchels).

Some dude getting "Iced"in the 1600's. See above for explanation, those of who you skipped down to the pictures. 

Ok, on to other events. We then decided to ride bikes in a beautiful park. Nothing exceptional happened there. You know, just the typical stroll. But heres a picture so that you continue reading. (I assume you are all like children and I have to post pictures every so often to keep you interested. Actually wait... maybe thats usually just me. Either way, I think you will enjoy the pictures.)

the park we rode through

my beautiful mother(above) and I (below)

For all the pics in Amsterdam - see my facebook

Read this: We then went to the house of Anne Frank - where her family hid our during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands. For two years she hid out up  in the attic, writing her diary the whole time of her life aspirations, her struggles. Her family's location was leaked by an unknown source, and since that time the world has been inspired by her life; mostly by the ironic fact that she never even got to live life. Eventually, she died at the Berger-Belsen concentration camp two weeks before it was liberated. This gave me a renewed sense of what I have. Ill get back to this later in this entry.

The next day, Dawn and I went to the most beautiful place I have been yet in The Netherlands. I thought it would be pretty lame, my mom said we were going to "see some windmills." I had no idea what this meant, and it was pouring rain, but unbeknownst to my mental well-being, it turned out to be probably the coolest part of our trip (It brought up my disparaged mental state, post male-fondling incident). Also, that was the first time Ive ever used disparaged in a sentance. Now I am really starting to feel good about myself.

So we went to this cute little town, and the pictures will speak for themselves of how awesome and relaxing this place was.

myself, atop the windmills

in the Town O' Windmills, aka Zaanse Schans

again - more of the pics of our whole trip on Facebook

In the train station before leaving, my mom said "Do you want to get some Burger King before we go home?" Clearly, we only would have eaten this if we were in a rush. I said no, but it still reminded me of the fact that I could imagine mrittika asking me this if we were vacationing, regardless of  being in a rush or no rush. Then, I started to think of those BK commercials where the BK king is running in with touchdowns. Know what im saying? Probably not, but if so, I enjoyed those commercials. I dont know the significance of mentioning that is, but it was one of those small anecdotes I had to tell you, because it made me laugh. Additionally,  it was not enough to cause me to get BK. But it almost made me get BK. But it didnt. So, we left.

What is all comes down to:

A PROFOUND DEVELOPMENT happened as we were driving home. I asked mom: "hey mom, why am I going home in a few weeks?" Her answer was "I dont know." As a result, I have decided to stay in Europe. That is, assuming a find a job. I do miss home, and I hate not speaking a lick of this damn German language that is even uglier than the women in this country (thats hard to believe), but I will have to tough it out and be a man. Ah, back to more of my startling development; this concerns more of my future. As a few of you know, my mom works for the US Army as a civilian nurse. I have to start thinking about how to pay back my loans, and she offered up the idea of going into the military. Certain branches offer not only a good paycheck, but loan repayment too. I asked her if there were any recruiters on base I could talk to, and she said certainly. If I think about it, I could serve my country, pay back my loans, save a lot of money, have excellent credentials on my resume, and get invaluable international experience. So, theres another option to consider, to add to the plethora of other ideas that I have no idea what the hell to do with.

When we got home 5 hours later...
Whenever I dont know what to do in life - I just pray. I dont know all the answers, but all I do know is that praying is the best thing I can do. I dont even know if it will give me all the answers, but I do know its better than trying to do things myself. I simply dont know where to go in life, but I do know that going on my knees is a hell of a lot better than fetching what I think will make my happy. So I pray.

I prayed to be refined.
I kind of imagine him tinkering with what makes me tick inside. Like, I am being built to go up against anything. Its true. In no other way can I be ready for whatever battles are in front of me. Its not the battles of war, nor is it the art of war that I need to be built for, but it is, in a way, that you are always on the front lines of your own war. Youre kind of like a soldier. Im reading a book right now called Armor, its about a man and his inner battle as bes getting ready for war. If you arent being built up and refined, and have someone at your back guiding you, and backup all around you, then you wont succeed.(I bet you never knew about Tom Ford the Metaphor Man). I want to be a soldier. And Im not talking about a soldier in real life - who knows about that. Im talking about the kind of soldier that you believe yourself to be, that you are refined enough to be ready for whatever life has for you. I dont know what lies ahead, or where Ill be - but I do know Ill be ready, and I do know I will get the most out of life - and appreciate it every second;  always have. its what makes me, me. I do that because I have many of the joys in life that some have never experienced, or never will get the chance to.

"I long to ride a bike, dance, whistle, and know that I am free."
Anne Frank, December 24, 1943.

SEX grabs you quick in Amsterdam

Amsterdam: European city of sin/sex/quaint backstreets/beautiful canals.

(Ps-if nothing else- and you ONLY want the climax- read the last 2 paragraphs.)

This place is unlike anything else you will see. Its utterly gorgeous for families during the day. No joke. Its one hundred waterways flowing below stone bridges and walkways makes it a gem for pictures, and I took plenty of them. But I am on a hostel computer right now so I cant upload them. Dont worry, the stories that will come are equally as good. At night, its kinda funny. But I suppose I should start out this post with the civilized part of our trip:

The travel guides were right. The city is modern. The people are beautiful and healthy, and there are so many good looking blonde haired babes who look all the same it appears as though I will just have to close my eyes and play pin the tail on the Dutch to select one of them. I think they speak english too. Im not too sure, but if not, then I will just have to work my international magic. I think I have some of that left over from last summer.

After 10 minutes here, you really do feel refreshed. This is the healthiest city I can imagine. Which is a complete paradox becase when you consider the prevelance of marajuana here, I will likely fail a state department drug test next month without even having smoked here (and uh, actually, without really having that test to take yet, either). Its legal here, and people sure do take advantage. If I wasnt living in that state of fear of taking an exam, I would definitely smoke until i croak, and probably heckle dawn to join in too. I know she wouldnt, but I would probably be jokingly obnoxious and make sure she would get a wiff or two.

Also, everyone here rides bikes. A perfect description of everyone here is tall, thin, pretty good looking, and blonde. On bikes. Even old people. I saw this family of a little blonde girl on a small bike, a mom on hers, and a grandma on the one in the kaboos - she had a hunchback and was still riding! good for her. She'll be dead soon. but still riding strong. I am thinking this country is utterly fantastic. Especially when I saw the REALLY old lady on a motorized scooter. Was she on the sidewalk with it? I dont think so my friend. She zoomed past us on the street. WHAT? Yes. on the street. on. the. street. what? yes. on the street. and you read that right - i just repeated that like 5 times. on the street. I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself within 12 minutes of arriving. But I wasnt laughing so hard that I couldnt take out my camera and try to snap a picture. I normally attribute my stellar picture taking talent to my camera which clicks on instantly to capture my every immediate photo related desire I want. Unfortunately, this old lady outsmarted me and just as I snapped the picture, she zoomed right behind a pole and the picture missed. I would have put it up here... damnit. Now my trip will not be complete. I will have to leave you guys with pictures on MJ-smoking peeps and creepy whores in the windows.

Ok, lets skip the bull shit , here is what happened tonight. There are red lights everywhere. That signals that there are prostitutes. What they do is they stand in the windows, which are the height of a person standing up, and they are all wearing a tiny bikini, or bra and underrwear. Im not sure if you can classify that piece of clothing around their waist underwear, that that effectively is what it is.

I originally decided to sleep at 9 pm, but I woke up at 1 am. I was gonna sleep and rest up for tomorrow and go out then, but hey...might as well get my moneys worth. I mean, Im not gonna pay for those women, but you gotta check it out while its here, right? Well, right or wrong, you know... whatever. Its gonna happen. Sorry super-christians. Sorry muslims. Actually wait, I do believe that probably the large majority of you who are reading my blogs are in those two categories because of who I tagged yesterday, I dont know. So I may have just offended a lot of people. Thats ok though, because you shouldnt have read this post about amsterdam and sex when I warned you ahead of time. You sinners. jeez... Ok. Off to the races, suckers.

I get dressed, and decide I am going to have fun. Not by having sex, but I gotta have some interaction with them to make things interesting, right? yesm the answer is right. And since I am the only one thats currently allowed to respond, Ill just just say the answer is yes. So what I decide to do is run a social sex experiment. A sex-periment, if you will. That ended up with terrifically terrible and hilarious results. Not hilarious for me, but I simply have to pass it along so you can also have an unforgettable night when you come, for whatever reason that may be.

I decided my experiment was going to be to befriend hookers. Yep, you heard it. I think I should go ahead and use my best asset on hookers, my conniving ability to try to befriend anyone anywhere. I mean, they probably dont get a lot of kind, sweet guys coming up to them and showering them with words of kindness, right? So there are hundreds of these windows, and these girls are actually gorgeous and all my age or a bit older. Prostitution is regulated here, its legal, and these women are mostly locals (there are government statistics to prove it). They have to pay taxes on their sales too. Just thought Id throw that out there. So what they do is knock on the window they are standing in and tell you to come here. At first I was flattered and started smiling and was like "who, me??" Then I realized that they are hookers and I had to re-compose myself.

It actually got difficult while walking by and them all trying to lure you in. So I needed a segway. Something to start a conversation. So I started selling myself. I turned the tables. Women love that. Especially hooker women. No Im just kidding, I dont really know if they liked it, but I suppose they did. So what I would do is stand there and throw on a pose. Like, a ridiculously ostentatious pose where I was sticking out my butt and blowing kisses and acting like they had to come get me. I dont think they do too much laughing in those places, but it appeared as though two of them were getting a kick out of it. I was all the way across the street(the river) and I was like shaking my head no when they would tell me to come over. So after walking away, and doing that one arm dumb-and-dumber armswing that some of you know me to do, combined with that fierce look of blue steel, the babes just couldnt get enough. So anyway, as they were doing things to the mirror that I was curious how it did not break, I decided I had em hooked (get it? get that play on words? ya get it? ya get it). So I went over, and they told me to come up. And damnit, sometimes ya just gotta get your feet wet. So I entered. You know, we chit chatted, they kept trying to get me to have sex with them, then I was like listen, your just jealous because I put on a better pose than you(in a joking manner). The other one thought it was really funny, and we hit it off. I dont want to take time away from their business, but I wanted to give them a funny break from the monotony of horny and high foreigners. The one that wasnt as amused at first then asked me if I wanted to have a cigarette with her. I wasnt sure if that was a code for sex, so I regrettably said no. After more denials, I just left. I immediately thought I made a huge mistake. How funny would it have been to have hung out and smoked "cigarettes" with hookers in amsterdam? who can say theyve done that? I clearly let one get away there, guys.

But fear not, my most ridiculous experience happened next. After talking to about 25 girls(they really come at you. And that index finger that tells you to ´"come here" isnt even fair. If anything should be illegal, that should be it. ) Ok, so sometimes I would strike up funny conversations with them. I began to refine my "hooker game" and realized they loved it when I would pose and act like Im the model. They would all of a sudden get not serious, and just start laughing, and it would kill the sexual energy. Well, sometimes it would. It should be noted my method failed a lot. But as with all things that are worth it, you just gotta keep persevering.

Get this part- so Im walking back and theres this one girl up there knocking on the window for me. I pull out the time tested T-ford routine Ive been refining, and she loved it. She invited me up. I thought what the hell. I get up there, and I could immediately tell something was wrong. She gave me kind of a crooked look. I took a quick glance behind me, and the street was kind of barren. Eh, I thought, whatever. She said something about if I want to come in or not. I was laughing and I was like nahhh Im good, I just wanted to come up and say... 

And just as I was talking, she grabs my crotch. Then shes like "do you want more?At that point I realized there was finally a substantial problem. Something was off the entire time, and I couldnt figure out what it was until that moment. It was the feared moment every man jokingly dreads, the moment there The Situation had to answer up to everyone, the moment of shock and awe...
It was the moment I realized a man had just grabbed my package.

I was so baffled I almost didnt know what to do. I dont know whether I was more shocked I was felt up by a hooker or the realization that this was a man hooker with...WHAT?? no penis!!??? what the hell? Once again, baffled as I looked down at her thong and realized there simply wasnt enough room for a penis in those scundies.
I had to get out of there, as soon as possible. That crooked devil of a man-hooker with no penis weathering a thong and I cant even remember if it had breasts or not.. I just had to get out. I nearly slipped down the wet stairs as it was raining, and as I was walking home contemplated what just happened. Indeed, the allure of sex, literally, grabbed me quick.

Oh amsterdam.

I hear the calling but cant figure out who

Today I woke up at 7 pm. WHAT. 7 pm? really? thats what I said. aparently my body was tired or something. I know going to bed at 4 AM was bad, but really? My body has risen to new heights of laziness/tireddom, and my plans were foiled today- which consisted of a nice bikeride while my mom was at work, possibly a picnic, and reading a book under a tree. what a joke.

Shortly after I woke up, my mom came from from work at like 7:45 pm. We went out to dinner with a guy who would be the one to take me on a fishing trip, a guy who I would help chop logs (at my consent), and who would take me to Oktoberfest. When we arrived and I saw a man get out of a new jeep, with a beard that was anything but new, and a sleeve of tattoos highlighted by a blue flaming skull, I knew I would be in good hands. The dinner was equally as hilarious, from his stories is his brother doski'ing up some dude with a monkey wrench, to his days of getting a full scholarship in college after jokingly applying for a ping pong free ride - and got it - to his years in the military. I now know this is indeed going to be a fun summer, especially even the times I will not be traveling. As long as that dude is around - Greg is his name. Also, my burger was like 10 inches in diameter. No joke - check out the picture. Im still baffled.

The beastly burg.

 For the record, Im proud for eating half. 

Well...almost half

When I got home, I skyped with my friend Dima from Jordan. She is working there in a grassroots organization, and has similar life aspirations, such as working "small" then eventually going into policy. We talked about jobs, what direction to go (she offered up suggestions) and somehow I felt like I was more lost than when I started. Its easy to feel that way when you dont really know what you are getting into and dont feel like theres time to find out. People keep offering me ideas, but when is there time to pursue? Am I just being too lazy? Days keep passing and I wonder what I have done to advance myself. People keep saying "are you job searching?" "have you put your CV to this and this place" I want my answer to be yes but I dont know why it isnt. I am reading about working, and emailing people, but not applying, damnit. Maybe Im spending too much other time on things - like blogging. bahhh

But I did read more of Half The Sky - and every time I read about these people with the exact same ambitions to help sexually abused women as I do, it keep stirring that things inside of me. I pray every morning for the holy spirit to stir inside of me, to talk to me, to touch me. And every time I read about these women who face so many troubles and who have no rights, who are beaten and raped, that thing stirs inside of me. Not just remorse, but a call to action. I hear the calling, but cant figure out who - or what - is doing the calling. I feel as though maybe its God tapping me on the shoulder, and then doing to fiercely that he is stirring the cauldron inside me - and preparing me for action. But then again - I wonder when I wont just be prepared, I wonder when I will go. I hate how people talk about going and dont ever actually go out and do anything. I dont want to just talk - I want to do. Dima gave me some important advice though - dont be in a rush. Maybe get a job, get financially stable - THEN find your calling, and youre allowed to be picky with finding the perfect organization, and just volunteer for them. Maybe thats my route. I hope I can find it. Inshallah: God willing.

After graduation, the next step

Playing catch-up:
After graduation, I started working for the Middle Eastern Partnership Initiative program, which was an amazing experience where I met a lot of wonderful people. The day after that ended, I visited a girl I was dating who was out at San Francisco at the time, Mrittika. We had a fantastic time with each other, and it was truly a one-time opportunity with each other given the stages of life we are in. On kind of another note, but not really - I am currently trying to decide how much of my love life to disclose on this site. I happen to think I have an interesting and very fun, spontaneous, and cute (do I sound like a girl or what?) love life and for some reason I feel like if I write no holds barred, then this site would become absurdly followed. That sounds cool and all, but... yeah, its currently up for debate how much I am going to write about that.

After coming back to Delaware, I stayed with my grandmother, which was great to get some homecooking and not worry about paying for rent or whatnot. I spent a lot of time with my friend Rachel, and besides that, just read a lot and applied for jobs.
I continue to keep in mind the quote, "If you arent failing regularly, you just arent trying hard enough."
 In two weeks, time and money went quick, until my flight into the next stage of my life life.

my MEPIs! <3

my Mrittika! Haha - us on the beach in Cali

Two days ago I arrived in Germany. During that flight I realized that I was stepping into new territory in life. The flight actually had a much broader significance than just a vacation, its where I will figure out where to go next year. I am a big believer that what most truly fulfills you are those things that you make a decision to pursue because of a "gut feeling." I think a long time ago someone got the term wrong, because I know that those feelings dont come from your gut, they come from your heart, and thats your body telling you and something is stirring inside, and to get off the sidelines and get out on the field, and pursue what you love.
It's here that I will continue to pursue new possibilities in life; an idea that has motivated and confused me for the past few weeks in particular. I have many ambitions, but its tough to tell where to take them. I decided in order to figure it out, I would ask advice from others in fields I am interested in. Ive asked around to people in policy and federal level positions, but just in the last two days I came to realize I need to start in grassroots level campaigns. I need to get out there, follow my calling, and pursue what makes my mind thrive with imagination and come to life, and my heart literally yearn to make a difference. I have been reading Half The Sky, a book how to empower oppressed women in the world. It is through education. I will post another blog about the impact of that book later, but its made me realize that I need to get out there. I found out yesterday about a woman named Mukhtar who opened up a shelter in Pakistan for domestically and sexually abused women, and also started schools among other things. She will provide free accommodation and stay to volunteers who will come help. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest as I read about her. That kind of thing is my calling; so I emailed her. We will see what will come of it. Its not the fact that I will definitely end up at her shelter, its the calling I have come to realize and the direction I feel compelled to go. I have prayed a lot for direction lately, and this is how I am being led.

My time in Germany so far:
Two days ago when I arrived in Germany I was exhausted and excited to be here. I took a nap in the afternoon, went to dinner with a few of moms coworkers, then from dinner (where I met these guys Mike and Justin), we went out partying that night. We had a lot of good beer, a lot, the coolest of which is sixteen 8 oz beers that come on a "meter board" - aka as many beers that size that can fit on a one meter length board (innovative name, isnt it) then we went to a club and had an awesome time; in typical tom ford fashion. We walked out at 6 am, slept for 2 hours, then mom picked me up after Mike had made breakfast. I came back today, slept a lot, and read a bit. I feel this constant pressure, almost a stress, to continue to learn more, contact more people, plan for my future, and apply for more jobs. Its overwhelming, but no one gets anywhere without the lonely hours of hard work you sweat over when pursuing any great endeavor.

our first meter board

our crew at the bar - kayla, me, mike, and justin, all in the military whom my mom works with

this was the bar we were at, pounding brews away like it was our job. Actually, since I am technically unemployed right now, I will go ahead and say that is my job

this is what it looked like when I walked out of the club this morning. And that young lady was my dancing partner who I could not even speak with. It made for a hilariously fun time.

Today Mom and I decided we will leave for a trip through the countries of Luxemberg, Belgium, and the Netherlands on our way to the city of Amsterdam on Monday, and stay until Wednesday. Cant wait for it - I just love being over here. But its 3:15 AM right now, so Im gonna go take a sleeping pill so can get on a normal schedule. Not only is it a 6 hour difference, but I wisely decided to party the entire first night and sleep the whole second day. Good call, Chief. (yes, I just called myself chief.)

I will leave you with a quote I found that I really like. A matter of fact, I just put it as my facebook status:
"He turns not back who is bound to a star" - Leonardo Da Vinci.
I believe dreams and dedication are the most powerful combination a man can find