Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Europe:My new home; An intimate view of my life

--I would always rather take a risk than not--

What that means is that a lot of things are going to change. My status on FB the other day tells it all:
"Im gonna have to make new friends in a new place, get a new job, learn a new language, travel to new countries, and be comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable. It'll be a fresh perspective of life - because after all, who wants to sit back and be like everybody else?"


Sounds pretty sweet, doesn't it? Well, from the outside it does sound pretty good. The fact is, when you get inside - its scary as hell. Back in the US, I would be what everyone else would call "living the life" - endless parties, so many different friends to chill w, free place to stay, girls to date, whatever. But like I said, I'm just not the kind of person that's content without seeing what else is out there in the world. It's also kind of funny that I'm starting to realize that not knowing what your future holds is pretty much a test of character, or strength, or whatever you want to call it. Who knows, maybe I'm overplaying it. I think it's just that when you go and do new things in unfamiliar territory, you go on a rollercoaster.

Its scary running blind, but I can guarantee you I'm not going to stop running.
Have you ever heard of what they call a pack of rhinos? They call it a Crash. A group of rhinos can not see very far ahead of them, but they charge ahead anyway. They aren't fearful, and they are pretty strong, too. When they commit to something, they sure don't go half speed either. Neither will I. Im not going to let my fears of not knowing whats next get in the way of living life. Here are some pictures of one of the most beautiful places I will ever go to. Neuscwanstein Castle.




Mom and I drove to Munich and we've been there for 3 days. We drove to the Castle and it was breathtaking. It wasn't real. Here is what I wrote just as I arrived and walked up the mountain to the castle:
"Im really overwhelmed being here. Everything is perfect. Even the weather. Just pretend like you are walking around and through a grand Disney castle, along hte cobblestone walkways through the forest to it, happy people all around speaking in languages Ive never even heard, and seeing the grand castle itself built with 1800's architecture perched 3,000 feet above ground on the peak of a mountain. You can see the horizon if you look around, mostly rolling hills with trees interspersed, and little villages here and there with two big lakes, so far below you. And theres a breeze. and its a little bit cool. To be honest, it adds a lot to the feel of the area when you have little kids around laughing and playing and you can see that they really do believe that they are right next to Cindarella's castle."

Inside of them was grand. Everything was original - even furniture and paintings.


View from inside the castle. This is what Ludwig II saw when he looked out his terrace that we walked out on.


Do you see me in both of the above pictures? Im there. After, we walked down the mountain for about an hour and a half along waterfalls and streams. It was beautiful.



One of the two giant lakes was pretty close to the castle once you walked down. Here we found some swans in the water. They literally walked right up to me.

Another picture from the lake.

Would you believe that later that night I felt really unhappy, unfulfilled, and stressed?
What??
yeah... because to be honest, even thought I'm on vacation and doing amazing things. Here's what happens after you get to the top of the rollercoaster; you come down. But this time I cant see where Im going or how long it will last. It's scary. Knowing I'm living in Europe now, well - it just doesn't feel much like a home. Home is a place you come to relax, and where you know somebody. But the thing is... I dont know anybody. Its not relaxing. I dont even know how to speak to people here. Do you know how crippling it feels for someone who depends on social situations for just about their lifeblood, and to not have that? It's always where I have gotten my energy from. Yet it seems like I dont have it here in some ways. What helps me is encouragement - when I hear one of you say to me "thats so great you're going out and doing that" or "youre going to love living life there!" or better than anything else in the world - when someone else says they believe in me.

Because believe it or not, I get 100% of my motivation from outside of myself in situations Im scared or feel uncomfortable about - like what I am facing in life right now.


Im not DEPRESSED... but, you know...

Sounds crazy, doesnt it? I admit, I do love life, and get the most out of it. But its tough when everything on the outside seems like its going to be perfect - traveling; learning new languages. New place to live; new people to meet. New jobs awaiting; new opportunities for the future.
Do you know what the flip side of that is?
Being unsure of everything. Traveling but feeling kind of like youre not sure you have a real home, not knowing how to speak the local language at all. Needing to work to make new friends, applying for new positions. Overall, not knowing what will happen or when.

Im really praying to God, bc I feel lost and dont know where to go (and I prefer to share this with you because feel comfortable sharing details about my life with my friends; people I love - because I should.)
I know it'll turn around - I really do believe that, and itll probably happen very quickly - and wonder why I was ever freaking out in the first place. Hopefully you'll know what I'm talking about when you read this quote:
"Its always impossible until you accomplish it."

Moreover, I have other things looming over me. I sometimes dont even like the idea of getting older (I'm 23 now), or not knowing where Ill work or how I'll pay my loans, or who I'll marry (do I sound like a female or what?) For being such a social being, funny that my number one fear is being alone (oh, and also swimming sometimes when you cant see whats below you - damn sharks and jellyfish! but that's kind of an aside).

So, basically, when I am overwhelmed, as you will see many of my posts, I end my posts the only way I know how to end my day; I hand it over to God, because thats the only way I know that I wont fall when I start to stumble.

This was my prayer last night - God, dont leave me. I need you. Take me, guide me, and let me trust you.

It'll work out. Inshallah - God willing.









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