SEX grabs you quick in Amsterdam

Amsterdam: European city of sin/sex/quaint backstreets/beautiful canals.

(Ps-if nothing else- and you ONLY want the climax- read the last 2 paragraphs.)

This place is unlike anything else you will see. Its utterly gorgeous for families during the day. No joke. Its one hundred waterways flowing below stone bridges and walkways makes it a gem for pictures, and I took plenty of them. But I am on a hostel computer right now so I cant upload them. Dont worry, the stories that will come are equally as good. At night, its kinda funny. But I suppose I should start out this post with the civilized part of our trip:

The travel guides were right. The city is modern. The people are beautiful and healthy, and there are so many good looking blonde haired babes who look all the same it appears as though I will just have to close my eyes and play pin the tail on the Dutch to select one of them. I think they speak english too. Im not too sure, but if not, then I will just have to work my international magic. I think I have some of that left over from last summer.

After 10 minutes here, you really do feel refreshed. This is the healthiest city I can imagine. Which is a complete paradox becase when you consider the prevelance of marajuana here, I will likely fail a state department drug test next month without even having smoked here (and uh, actually, without really having that test to take yet, either). Its legal here, and people sure do take advantage. If I wasnt living in that state of fear of taking an exam, I would definitely smoke until i croak, and probably heckle dawn to join in too. I know she wouldnt, but I would probably be jokingly obnoxious and make sure she would get a wiff or two.

Also, everyone here rides bikes. A perfect description of everyone here is tall, thin, pretty good looking, and blonde. On bikes. Even old people. I saw this family of a little blonde girl on a small bike, a mom on hers, and a grandma on the one in the kaboos - she had a hunchback and was still riding! good for her. She'll be dead soon. but still riding strong. I am thinking this country is utterly fantastic. Especially when I saw the REALLY old lady on a motorized scooter. Was she on the sidewalk with it? I dont think so my friend. She zoomed past us on the street. WHAT? Yes. on the street. on. the. street. what? yes. on the street. and you read that right - i just repeated that like 5 times. on the street. I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself within 12 minutes of arriving. But I wasnt laughing so hard that I couldnt take out my camera and try to snap a picture. I normally attribute my stellar picture taking talent to my camera which clicks on instantly to capture my every immediate photo related desire I want. Unfortunately, this old lady outsmarted me and just as I snapped the picture, she zoomed right behind a pole and the picture missed. I would have put it up here... damnit. Now my trip will not be complete. I will have to leave you guys with pictures on MJ-smoking peeps and creepy whores in the windows.

Ok, lets skip the bull shit , here is what happened tonight. There are red lights everywhere. That signals that there are prostitutes. What they do is they stand in the windows, which are the height of a person standing up, and they are all wearing a tiny bikini, or bra and underrwear. Im not sure if you can classify that piece of clothing around their waist underwear, that that effectively is what it is.

I originally decided to sleep at 9 pm, but I woke up at 1 am. I was gonna sleep and rest up for tomorrow and go out then, but hey...might as well get my moneys worth. I mean, Im not gonna pay for those women, but you gotta check it out while its here, right? Well, right or wrong, you know... whatever. Its gonna happen. Sorry super-christians. Sorry muslims. Actually wait, I do believe that probably the large majority of you who are reading my blogs are in those two categories because of who I tagged yesterday, I dont know. So I may have just offended a lot of people. Thats ok though, because you shouldnt have read this post about amsterdam and sex when I warned you ahead of time. You sinners. jeez... Ok. Off to the races, suckers.

I get dressed, and decide I am going to have fun. Not by having sex, but I gotta have some interaction with them to make things interesting, right? yesm the answer is right. And since I am the only one thats currently allowed to respond, Ill just just say the answer is yes. So what I decide to do is run a social sex experiment. A sex-periment, if you will. That ended up with terrifically terrible and hilarious results. Not hilarious for me, but I simply have to pass it along so you can also have an unforgettable night when you come, for whatever reason that may be.

I decided my experiment was going to be to befriend hookers. Yep, you heard it. I think I should go ahead and use my best asset on hookers, my conniving ability to try to befriend anyone anywhere. I mean, they probably dont get a lot of kind, sweet guys coming up to them and showering them with words of kindness, right? So there are hundreds of these windows, and these girls are actually gorgeous and all my age or a bit older. Prostitution is regulated here, its legal, and these women are mostly locals (there are government statistics to prove it). They have to pay taxes on their sales too. Just thought Id throw that out there. So what they do is knock on the window they are standing in and tell you to come here. At first I was flattered and started smiling and was like "who, me??" Then I realized that they are hookers and I had to re-compose myself.

It actually got difficult while walking by and them all trying to lure you in. So I needed a segway. Something to start a conversation. So I started selling myself. I turned the tables. Women love that. Especially hooker women. No Im just kidding, I dont really know if they liked it, but I suppose they did. So what I would do is stand there and throw on a pose. Like, a ridiculously ostentatious pose where I was sticking out my butt and blowing kisses and acting like they had to come get me. I dont think they do too much laughing in those places, but it appeared as though two of them were getting a kick out of it. I was all the way across the street(the river) and I was like shaking my head no when they would tell me to come over. So after walking away, and doing that one arm dumb-and-dumber armswing that some of you know me to do, combined with that fierce look of blue steel, the babes just couldnt get enough. So anyway, as they were doing things to the mirror that I was curious how it did not break, I decided I had em hooked (get it? get that play on words? ya get it? ya get it). So I went over, and they told me to come up. And damnit, sometimes ya just gotta get your feet wet. So I entered. You know, we chit chatted, they kept trying to get me to have sex with them, then I was like listen, your just jealous because I put on a better pose than you(in a joking manner). The other one thought it was really funny, and we hit it off. I dont want to take time away from their business, but I wanted to give them a funny break from the monotony of horny and high foreigners. The one that wasnt as amused at first then asked me if I wanted to have a cigarette with her. I wasnt sure if that was a code for sex, so I regrettably said no. After more denials, I just left. I immediately thought I made a huge mistake. How funny would it have been to have hung out and smoked "cigarettes" with hookers in amsterdam? who can say theyve done that? I clearly let one get away there, guys.

But fear not, my most ridiculous experience happened next. After talking to about 25 girls(they really come at you. And that index finger that tells you to ´"come here" isnt even fair. If anything should be illegal, that should be it. ) Ok, so sometimes I would strike up funny conversations with them. I began to refine my "hooker game" and realized they loved it when I would pose and act like Im the model. They would all of a sudden get not serious, and just start laughing, and it would kill the sexual energy. Well, sometimes it would. It should be noted my method failed a lot. But as with all things that are worth it, you just gotta keep persevering.

Get this part- so Im walking back and theres this one girl up there knocking on the window for me. I pull out the time tested T-ford routine Ive been refining, and she loved it. She invited me up. I thought what the hell. I get up there, and I could immediately tell something was wrong. She gave me kind of a crooked look. I took a quick glance behind me, and the street was kind of barren. Eh, I thought, whatever. She said something about if I want to come in or not. I was laughing and I was like nahhh Im good, I just wanted to come up and say... 

And just as I was talking, she grabs my crotch. Then shes like "do you want more?At that point I realized there was finally a substantial problem. Something was off the entire time, and I couldnt figure out what it was until that moment. It was the feared moment every man jokingly dreads, the moment there The Situation had to answer up to everyone, the moment of shock and awe...
It was the moment I realized a man had just grabbed my package.

I was so baffled I almost didnt know what to do. I dont know whether I was more shocked I was felt up by a hooker or the realization that this was a man hooker with...WHAT?? no penis!!??? what the hell? Once again, baffled as I looked down at her thong and realized there simply wasnt enough room for a penis in those scundies.
I had to get out of there, as soon as possible. That crooked devil of a man-hooker with no penis weathering a thong and I cant even remember if it had breasts or not.. I just had to get out. I nearly slipped down the wet stairs as it was raining, and as I was walking home contemplated what just happened. Indeed, the allure of sex, literally, grabbed me quick.

Oh amsterdam.