(First of all, I am sorry for my language. The first half of that title sounds repulsive, but it's such a funny part of the story that I had to include it in the heading.)
Well guys, everyone does some things they are not proud of.
However, this is not one of those time.
I will start with the end of my story. Then I will go back to the beginning and laugh my way through the glorious day:
It's at the end of the long stumbling day at Oktoberfest; after five liters of beer had been put into my system, after I was berated for not accepting to snort drugs, after my tomfoolery walking into the hotel with pants undone and half on - ripped to bits, and finally after a drunken skype session in the lounge of the hotel where I accidentally told my friend I drank five gallons of beer instead of five liters. Minor detail I fuddled.
And so concluded my Oktoberfest drunken stuper. Lets now rewind:
It was 12 noon the day before, and you would not believe the clan of people who arrived to pick me up. Let me initiate you to these fine specimens. I literally could not have chosen a more pristine cast of people to dabble with in my first Oktoberfest misadventures:
1. A 50 year-old man with a large blue flaming skull tattoo clearly visible, who's bro clobbered that man with a crowbar and sister was stabbed 14 times and lived. Served in the military for 25 years. Remember him from a previous story? He was the driver.
2. A 40 year old woman in the backseat w/ me, utterly hilarious, and on her 5th marriage and who bet that by time we got home from the weekend she was gonna need to look for number six. She was a hoot. And my roommate.
3. Last and least, was a normal guy in his 30s with a wife and kids. Pretty boring comparatively. However, he quoted many lines from Dumb and Dumber and Anchorman. So, he was funny and made a good friend.
4. And me.
Get this:
When I first get in the car, I thought it was going to be a normal ride. We rode comfortably down the road for 15 minutes with fun and vibrant conversation, and lots of laughing. This is what happened:
We stop at a gas station to fill up (whats up with me and gas stations, historically?). Man number 1, the driver, asks if we want music. I say yes. Man number 1 turns to full capacity a $2700 speaker system he had installed into his jeep recently. He blasts - at full volume while doors ajar - none other than "Pussy Poppin" by ____. No idea, and I dont want to know by who. I never even knew that song existed. I was nearly sickened by the likes of it and enamored by the sheer humor of such an event that had unfolded before my eyes. Better yet...
I was in shock until I realize... wait a second...What is that sound? What could that be? Is he...
That would be Man number 1- no holds-barred - rapping to the lyrics of "Poppin' Pussy." He was WHAT?
Yes indeed. I scooted over to get a better look. Straight up spittin' 40 bars like he was born to murder.
Upon man number 3 entering car, and woman number 2 who joins in the sing-a-long that had started, it almost seemed normal. I did not join along. As I peered from back seat to front seat area, man number three is like, "Is this playlist really called My Fav Rap!?" Hahaha... yes my good sir - it was.
Proceeding were as many more songs as exist which have the word "pussy" in the title. For humors sake, I wrote down a few of the artists. Included were a song by Lil Wayne, Fiddy Cent, and I think one called Beat The Pussy Up or something. I don't even like that word. But I DEFINITELY had enough when one came on where the lyrics said "My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack." I almost vommed.
Do you guys understand man number 1 any better yet? This guy is hi.la.ri.ous. He is also rather large, and has is big beard. I could put up a picture of all of these people, but its more fun if you just picture it.
Also, the woman was talking about her husband, and was like "he's really pissed I'm coming with you guys this weekend." I was like, "Really? Why?" She goes "Nah, he'll be iight, I just drove over to him last night to give him some nookie then drove back."
You gave himmm....
..Okay...
Hah. Boy, I was in for it.
Then we arrived to Oktoberfest where the real events began...
This concludes the end of Part I of the II-Part story. It was a lot already, so I will wait until tomorrow or the next day to post Oktoberfest Part II so that you are able to take the time to read it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment