Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Why I am am an accidental liar



I find out fast that I don't know much about myself.

I say I love learning new languages, combined with traveling, and experiencing new cultures; I've said it for years. I even went as far as to say these are 3 of the 5 things I love in life (the other 2 are in that column on the right side of this page). They are self-proclaimed to be the staple of my life.

It seems I am a self-proclaimed liar.

I didn't mean to.
I didn't realize all along I was lying. How disheartening, how defeating. I realized today that I in fact despise the act itself of learning a new language.
I like knowing them, but not learning. Not speaking with others to learn. Isn't that sad? A founding tenant of my travels over here, crumbled in a day. I was in a German store and realized if anyone asked me but the simplest question, I could not answer, instead I would have to point like a 4 year old to something if I wanted to get across any message in the least. But so it seems that my accidental-liarhood has brought me to the truth; it's that learning a new language is the most frustrating, defeating, embarrassing, and morally and mentally exhausting undertaking I have ever tried. Plus its embarrassing. And I know I already said that. I needed to say it again.
But you need to know your faults before you can overcome them. Now, let's get back to it:
Spanish.
Arabic.
 Now I expect myself to try German and continue to be the jack of all trades, while being a master of none?

So, what am I going to do?

First, I need to realize that, as with everything that I try, I mess up at first. Ever heard of the saying "fall 7 times, get up 8?" Well, mine number in the hundreds.

I'm not going to give up though- I never have. But its tough. I keep crawling back to God (as it should be, I believe). But its difficult to come to terms with the embarrassment of what I have discovered. It's a rather odd feeling, actually. I have more fingers on my body than times I can count when I have been embarrassed in my life. I found out why; everything in my life that I've done, it was always easy. I was almost always naturally gifted. Most of the things I am referring to are sports; from baseball, to basketball, to football - winning season after championship after end-of-season honors after captainship and everything in between- it all came easy. And it dominated my life. Winning and success and relative ease of it all. But now I have come face to face with something I struggle with, and it bothers me to my core.

I've never had to struggle to be anything better than terrible. 


Notes to self:
On top of that, it continues to be difficult not knowing where to go in life. I got super frustrated today. To the point where I needed to exhale. Then lean back. Then close my eyes. 
(And realize the only way to continue was to take one step at a time)
Then pray.
Then become angry.
Then pray.
Take another deep breath.
Let out the previous deep breath.
Repeat deep breath.
Repeat let out deep breath.
Continue to picture the scenario: myself falling out of bounds on a basketball court after trying to save a loose ball. It was the Nth number of time I had fallen down. And I picture myself slowly getting up. And I slowly get up. Getting up. Slowly. My head rises up. I'm up.
So - I try again.

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